


False Memories

by acrossthevoid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 19:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16435085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrossthevoid/pseuds/acrossthevoid
Summary: Jared was fine. Those memories were in the past. And he was pretty sure some of them weren't even real. He was fine. Well, he was until Evan went further than before.





	False Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Please check the tags before reading! This is very dark and may trigger some. 
> 
> I tried my best to self-beta but Grammarly and I both make mistakes sometimes so if you something please comment.

Jared didn’t like to think about it. It was one of those thoughts he could only consider when he was completely alone, and even then he would quickly dismiss it. The memory had to be false, because there was no way… Jared didn’t think about it.

 

Bill had been enough of a dick, beating his mother and him, sucking the life of out them both, but he hadn’t done  _ that _ . Jared was just trying to be more of a victim. He had read somewhere that trauma victims secretly wanted more trauma so people would pay attention. Even though, of course,  _ he _ wasn’t a trauma victim that was it. Even all the stuff that had happened hadn’t been that bad. He survived and he didn’t remember ever having any bruises. It was fine. 

 

But that didn’t mean his not-trauma wasn’t noticed by others, Like when Evan had asked why Jared flinched a little whenever he lifted his hand up too quickly, Jared had made a quick joke about being hit with a dodgeball one too many times. Evan had laughed and Jared thought he was in the clear. 

 

That was until Jared had come home and his mother had screamed at him for ten minutes about how he made her look bad. How Heidi was going to think Rob (her new, much better) boyfriend was some wife beater now. She had been so mad Jared hadn’t even bothered to ask for dinner and went to bed hungry. 

 

When Jared saw Evan the next day he grew irritated. Evan had no right to start telling his mom things like that.

 

“I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to…” Evan swallowed nervously and Jared felt his resentment fade. No harm, no foul. His mom would be over it by tonight and he didn’t want Evan to be any more anxious than he already was.

 

“Forget it. It’s fine,” Jared had smiled before grabbing Evan’s hand and squeezing it. Evan had smiled back and Jared felt that everything was alright.

 

Until one day when the two of them were making out. They hadn’t progressed past that yet, Evan had said he wasn’t sure he was ready. Jared in his fake confident swagger had said he was down for anything but Evan could take the lead. Do things when he was ready. Heidi had a late night shift so the two had the house to themselves. As they kissed, Evan reached down, his hand landing on Jared’s bulge and staying put. Jared felt his heart rate increase, but for some reason, he didn’t believe it was due to excitement. He forced himself to remain calm and continued kissing Evan. This was fine.  

 

But when Evan’s hand began to move inside of his pants, cupping his dick through one layer rather than two, Jared a wave of nausea and a sudden intrusive thought pop into his brain.  _ Bill _ . He screwed his eyes shut and pushed the thought away.  _ Enjoy this. Your boyfriend is touching you. _

 

“Jared?” Evan suddenly asked pulling away. Jared opened his eyes only to see his boyfriend’s face twisted in some strange negative emotion Jared couldn’t place. “Jared, what’s wrong?”

 

“I’m fine. Let’s keep going,” Jared plastered a smile onto his face. But Evan’s face remained almost the same, now with a tint of fear.

 

“Are you sure? Because if something’s wrong just tell me.”

 

“Evan I’m fine, see, look!” With a swift motion, Jared placed his hand over Evan’s crotch. But Evan only frowned more causing Jared’s hand to recoil. “I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry I-”

 

“Jared, calm down it’s o-okay. I’m not mad,” Evan was now speaking the way he had spoken when Jared had been wasted and needed placating. Jared hated it.

 

“Don’t speak to me like that. I’m fucking fine. Nothing happened. He didn’t do anything that bad. I’m fine.”

 

“Who’s he?” The concern in Evan’s face multiplied as he spoke. 

 

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Jared got up from Evan’s bed and began to get his coat. “Listen this has been fun but I really gotta-”

 

“Woah Jared. No, we need to talk about this.” Evan stood up, standing in front of the door. “Sit back down… please.” 

 

Jared could feel his heart about to beat out of his chest but sat down. This was fine, all he had to do was tell Evan it was all okay. His boyfriend sat next to him on the bed, and a hand on his. 

 

“Jared, please tell me, did something happen?.”

 

“I can’t. I’ve only told a couple of people about the things with Bill I acknowledge and that was only when I was out of it. And that thought that just popped into my head, This thing I remember happening-” Jared flattered, “Or I think happened I don’t even… I can’t Evan.” The amount of vulnerability in his own voice scared him.

 

“Jared,” Evan’s voice had taken on a choking quality, as though he was keeping something in. Though Jared wasn’t sure what it was. “Please. Please let me... It would mean a lot. If you’re okay with telling me.”

 

At that moment Jared knew he owed it to Evan. And honestly, it wasn’t a big deal anyway. If knowing Jared’s dumb past made his boyfriend happy, then he’d do it. 

 

“Okay. It’s not a big deal. He just you know smacked my mom and me around. It’s fine.” Jared smiled but Evan did not return it.

 

“Jared that’s-”

 

Jared interrupted Evan with a scoff. “Please don’t make this a bigger deal than it is.” There was a pause, as Evan seemingly considered his next few words.

 

“Okay then, if you’re okay with sharing, what’s the uh, the worst thing he did?” Evan was now smiling, a placating smile. “Even if it’s not a big deal overall.” 

 

“I mean he threw me across a room once when I was four.” Evan nodded encouraging Jared to keep talking. “I had been too scared to come out of my room because of him and he hadn’t taken that well. It’s fine though, I don’t remember the pain or anything. I more just see myself being thrown across a room when I remember it.” Jared couldn’t look at Evan now. He had never told people this story in person. It felt strange.

 

“Oh, baby…” Evan grabbed Jared’s hand, squeezing it lightly. 

 

“Please stop,” Jared said weaker than intended.    
  


Evan nodded but continued anyway. “Okay, I will, just one last question. Then I promise I won’t ask anything else. What is the thing you haven’t told anyone? That you haven’t acknowledged?” 

 

Jared felt his body tense, a wave of nerves going through it. He wasn’t sure he could just say it.

 

“I keep having these thoughts,” Jared began. Evan nodded in response, beckoning him to continue. “I’m pretty sure I’m just being overdramatic but… That he did something more.”

 

Evan’s faced flashed something akin to discomfort before he asked: “Something more?”

 

Jared pulled his hand away from Evan’s and looked down at his lap. Maybe if he looked at nothing he could feel alone. Then maybe he could say it.

 

“That he touched me.” There. He had said it. He had let it out and it felt so… so nerve wrecking. The fear he felt before was multiplied and suddenly he felt a little like he couldn’t breathe. 

 

“Jared…” Jared could barely hear Evan speak. It was like he had water in his ears. He was so anxious and exhausted and he just couldn’t… “-scaring me. Please breathe if you can hear me-” Scaring? He was scaring Evan? That wasn’t okay he couldn’t be- “Jared!” Evan cried out. Jared had the sudden realization he might be hyperventilating and crying a little. The only thing he could think to do was to talk more. 

 

“I don't know. I don’t know. I keep having these thoughts that won’t leave my head and these dreams. He does stuff to me and I don’t understand them. I feel this pain in my pelvis and I- I- I remember a white wall. And I was home alone with him all day sometimes when I was four. I can never remember why I was scared to come out the day he threw me across the room. I remember him looking at me when I watched cartoons. I remember being scared. Why was I so scared that day though? He hadn’t hit me before. Why, why, why, why?” Jared felt himself unconsciously shaking.

 

“Jared you’re okay. I’m Evan, your boyfriend. We’re in my room. No one will harm you. He won’t come back.” Jared thought Evan might’ve been crying, but he couldn’t focus on that. 

 

“Whenever I hear a door lock and I can't see who locked it I am terrified. So fucking scared because I remember someone being angry, and locking the door, and I’m on a bed. The blanket is blue I think, blue and has boxes. It’s a big blanket. I’m so scared Evan. So fucking scared.”  

 

“Jared stop. Stop you’re making it worse. Jared if it’s repressed it’s repressed for a reason. Please,” Evan grabbed his hand and suddenly Jared jolted out of his world. He looked at Evan, whose face was red and wet. 

 

“I know that but more memories keep coming. I had a dream that I told Mr.Becker I was sexually abused. Why would I even think that? I had a dream these three guys raped me and you just watched me scream and did nothing. Why?”

 

Evan’s face became almost green. Jared felt his boyfriend’s slight nausea radiating off of him. 

 

“I-I-I would never- That would never… Oh, Jared. You need to a see a professional. A therapist.” 

 

“Not until I’m eighteen. If it’s before they might take me away from my mom. Just gotta wait… and I’ll ignore it until then.” Jared screwed his eyes shut, suddenly realizing just how tired he was. “Could I… Could I crash here tonight? If you wouldn’t mind I’m pretty tired.” Jared plastered a lopsided smile onto his face. 

 

“Y-yeah of course. Do you want the bed? I have a sleeping bag I can sleep in…” Evan had now shot up and was walking over to his closet. 

 

“Would you mind if we just shared your bed? I know it’s small but…” Jared could feel a headache coming. 

 

“Yeah.” As soon as he got the okay, Jared quickly laid on his side, wanting nothing more than to sleep and hoping he might dream about this so he could get some sort of answer. 

 

As he drifted away, he swore he heard Evan whisper, “Please let him be okay.”

 

\---

 

Jared woke up to light pouring in through Evan’s windows. It took him a minute to adjust but once he did he realized that he was alone. He sat up, coming to the realization that he hadn’t changed out of his jeans. After taking in his surroundings, he heard the sound of two voices downstairs, Evan and Heidi presumably. 

 

Suddenly, he remembered his confessions from last night and everything he said.  _ No! _ Evan cannot tell Heidi. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. Jared realises, after a good night’s rest and the effects of intense emotion had worn off, that he was (most likely) being dramatic. The stuff about being thrown across a room had been true but he wasn’t sure about the other stuff. The touching? A false memory. 

 

But Evan may just keep it to himself. Jared decided he should try to eavesdrop and put his ear against the door. It allowed him to hear a little of what was being said. 

 

“-tell you... over. He was pretty exhausted… -concerned. He told me some-” Jared could not let Evan finish that sentence. Taking a second to reinvent himself Jared swaggered into the Hansen’s living room.

 

“Hi, Heidi I’m sorry I didn’t ask to sleep over I was exhausted and kinda just passed out.” Jared flashed a wide grin.

 

“Oh, it’s okay darling. Your mom was worried though. Good thing she called me instead of the police,” Heidi laughed lightly. “Would you like some breakfast?” 

 

“Yup and thanks for being so cool about all of this.”  Jared sat down at the kitchen counter next to Evan who couldn’t seem to make eye contact with Jared.  _ Fuck. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have…  _

 

“-Or sausage?” Heidi finished.

 

“Huh?”

 

“For meat? Do you want bacon or sausage?” Heidi asked.

 

“Bacon would be great.” Evan’s mom smiled at him and continued cooking. When Jared looked to his right he saw Evan staring at his frowning. 

 

“What?” Jared asked, feigning confusion. Evan shook his head and looked down at his hands. It was eerily silent so Jared pulled out his phone opting to scroll through social media. After an equally awkward breakfast with Heidi asking him questions and Jared responding in one sentence answers Jared quickly left. Bidding Evan goodbye and going for a hug only to be rejected. Jared Kleinsman would never be hurt by that. But still, his stomach felt a little wonky. 

 

His mom wasn’t home and his step dad was sleeping so he just went into his room and started playing Dragon Age. If he checked his phone every five minutes it was because he kept getting snapchat streaks not because he wanted to see if Evan had messaged him. After wasting the day on video games, Jared passed out at eleven thirty. He woke up to the sound of his obnoxious ringtone.

 

_ Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone duh duh duh duh- _

 

“Hello?” Jared said groggily grabbing for his glasses for some reason.

 

“Can you come over?” He heard a voice speak on the other side.

 

“Evan?” Jared guessed.

 

“Yeah uh I know it’s late but I really wanna talk. There were things left unsaid and I really care about you and I want to talk.” Jared could hear Evan’s almost pleading tone.

 

“Is this about that stuff I said when I slept over?” Jared groaned.

 

“Yeah, I really think…”

 

“Dude it’s nothing. Seriously I woke up and realised I was overthinking things I’m fine.” Jared laughed, sitting up in his bed now. 

 

“Are you sure because it didn’t seem like you were…” 

 

“I’m sure. One hundred and ten percent sure.”

 

There was a pause, and Jared could practically imagine Evan opening and closing his mouth, unsure of what to say.  “You just seemed really really upset and-”

 

Jared groaned. “Evan just trust me I know-”

 

“Just let me finish!” His boyfriend exclaimed in a odd burst of confidence. “You seemed really upset and even if the stuff about the um- blue blanket isn’t true you said other stuff. And I know it might not be a big deal to you but it’s a big deal to me so just please can you come over? Now or soon?” 

 

Jared took a moment, calculating the current possibilities. He could reject Evan’s request and risk him telling Heidi. Or, he could go over to Evan’s and convince him it wasn’t a big deal. 

 

“Alright fine,” Jared relented. “Let me just tell my mom.” 

 

He didn’t really end up telling his mom. She was asleep so he shot her a text and left quietly. By the time Jared arrived at Evan’s, it was about ten am, meaning Heidi was likely at work. Before he even rung the doorbell Evan was there with a solemn face. 

 

“Hey,” Jared said trying his hardest to sound cool and casual. “Is Heidi home?” Evan simply shook his head and ushered Jared inside. The two of them sat on the couch as a silence set over them.

 

It was broken two minutes later by Evan. “Jared, you’re such a strong guy. Emotionally, you’ve gone through so much stuff and you always manage to smile and joke around. But, that’s concerning to me okay?” Evan grabbed Jared’s hand. “Because I love you.” Jared let out an almost strangled noise in response. “And you don’t have to feel the same way but-”

 

“I do,” Jared interrupted. “I love you.” 

 

Evan’s cheeks flushed. “I’m-I’m glad but um,” the solemn look returned to Evan. “I’m concerned because clearly these really messed up things happened to you and you don’t see them that way. Even if Bill just threw you across a room, that’s still really scary for a child. I just want to let you know that it’s okay to acknowledge that bad things happened and be upset by them. You don’t need to push it all down and laugh it off. 

 

“But, it could’ve been so much worse. It wasn’t even that bad.” Yet again, Jared had lost his ability to look Evan in the eye. 

 

“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t bad. If any of that is true, especially the stuff about the blanket. You need to talk to someone about it. Even if you don’t feel ready to go to a therapist okay?” Jared stayed unresponsive. “Please,” Evan whispered, lifting Jared’s face so their eyes met. “If for no one else for me?” 

 

“I don’t want to, I don’t want to seem like I’m some victim. Or make people listen to my problems.” There was nothing Jared hated more than people who pretended to be victims. He didn’t want to be that.  

 

"You’re not going to seem like some sort of victim. You’re just gonna seem like someone who went through something but is recovering and accepting it okay? And we want to hear it. Your friends, your family, your boyfriend. Please, at the very least tell me.” 

 

Suddenly, without warning, Jared was clinging to Evan, tearing running down his cheeks. And it felt both incredibly awful and full of relief. Evan held him tightly, rubbing his back and reassuring him.

 

“It’s okay Jared, you can let it out.” And so he did. He told Evan everything. All the stuff he was ashamed of, all the fears that had sprung from the things he ignored, even the things he wasn’t sure were true but felt they might be. The whole time, Evan just listened. 

 

“-but I still don’t… I still don’t know how to feel about it all. I’ve just been ignoring it for so long and those I told said it wasn’t a big deal or said they were sorry or whatever so I never knew, I still don’t, really know how to feel.” Evan nodded for a few moments before seemingly realising Jared wanted his opinion. 

 

“Well I, I’m angry.” Jared felt himself shrink a little.

 

“I didn’t mean to make you- I’m sorry this is why-” Evan virgiously shook his head in response.

 

“No Jared not at you. Never at you. I’m angry at Bill and- and I know I’m not the strongest or- or the toughest but Jared I swear if I ever see him I’ll- I’ll hurt him.”

 

“Evan, you couldn’t hurt a fly,” Jared said laughing slightly through the post tear hiccups. 

 

“Maybe before but I… I would hurt him.” The steady seriousness in Evan’s face brought Jared to the realization that he was serious. 

 

And at once, Jared knew how to feel. He once again flung himself onto Evan into a hug.

 

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think in a weird fucked up way, that’s what I wanted. I needed permission to be angry so I needed someone else to feel it first. And now that you do I- I feel angry.” 

 

Evan pulled away and smiled an understanding smile. “Alright, then let’s go and break stuff and-and punch things and just be angry!” 

 

In sudden clarity, Jared knew not only that he loved Evan, but that soon he would be able to start loving himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave your thoughts below, good or bad!
> 
> This is my first time writing in this fandom so let me know what you think.


End file.
